I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
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Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica