Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
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Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.