I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
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I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
me after eating Cheetos
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
gentlemen, hear me out