It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
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Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
A choir of Spring onions
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.