me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
You Might Also Like
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.