No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
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My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet