Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
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I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I need to get some bricks…
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.