interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
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[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”