If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
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see you in hell you stupid fruit
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Check your privilege
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Is this a threat?
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia