We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
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my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.