My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
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Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.