A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
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GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
my fav colour is also hitler
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us