just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
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*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
This is a bad sign
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Buck naked
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.