why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
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Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Tastes like chicken.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr