I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
You Might Also Like
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
At least he brought enough for everyone
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.