EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
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Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up