Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
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I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.