[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
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Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
😂🤣😂🤣