Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
You Might Also Like
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.