oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
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Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
ready to be harvested
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?