*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
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who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.