Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
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I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!