Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
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my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
A drum solo but on your face.
Just so funny
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.