cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
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[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf