[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
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If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming