My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
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Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Maths meets science
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
when someone rings the doorbell
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.