How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
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Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo