my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
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Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…