My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
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When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk