at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
You Might Also Like
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here