*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
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My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together