I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
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Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Generation gap…
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
If snakes were wide
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
You know…for fall…
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
A new level of troll.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.