me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
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No way!
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.