You Might Also Like
#titanic
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Guy who likes music
based al yankovic
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’