4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
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All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
If you know, you know
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.