Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
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i’m having this made into a welcome mat
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.