I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
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“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do