My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
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[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.