Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
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Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.