Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
You Might Also Like
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
just witnessed a drug deal
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
LOL!
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.