Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
You Might Also Like
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.