If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
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Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”