escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
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Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
me when I see my crush
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie