Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
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my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
first you must answer his riddles
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My boss called in sick of me
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?