All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
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Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish