[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
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“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.