The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
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*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
In space, no one can hear…
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.