My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
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Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
m’lady
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Message from the dog groomers
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!