If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
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I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture