Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
You Might Also Like
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Gods work.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store